The Power of Storytelling: Speaking from the Heart, Making Connections, and Embracing Failure
Last week, I had the incredible opportunity to speak at Naidex, one of the UK’s largest events dedicated to accessibility and inclusion. Standing on that stage, sharing my journey, and later pitching my new company MIXD Reality in a competition where I proudly finished as runner-up, reinforced something I’ve always believed: storytelling is one of the most powerful tools we have.
Speaking from the Heart
I’ve spoken at many events, but there’s something uniquely special about Naidex. The room is filled with innovators, changemakers, and individuals who deeply understand the challenges of accessibility and inclusion. Rather than delivering a polished, overly rehearsed speech, I spoke from the heart—about my journey, about Just Like Me Books, about why creating inclusive, interactive experiences for children is not just my business but my mission.
People don’t connect with statistics; they connect with stories. They connect with emotion, authenticity, and vulnerability. When I spoke about my autistic son Walter being the inspiration behind my work, I saw nods of understanding, smiles of encouragement, and even a few teary eyes in the audience. That’s when I knew I had made an impact—not because of slides or business jargon, but because I had shared something real.
The Power of Connection
One of the greatest takeaways from events like Naidex is the power of connection. In the fast-paced world of business, it’s easy to get caught up in targets, sales, and strategy. But at the core of every successful business is connection—human connection. Whether it’s the people you serve, the partners you collaborate with, or the fellow entrepreneurs you meet along the way, business is built on relationships. I had conversations with parents who shared their struggles in finding inclusive books for their children, educators excited about the potential of AR in learning, and fellow entrepreneurs who, like me, are determined to break barriers. Every one of those interactions was a reminder that my work matters. Your work matters.
Not Being Afraid to Fail
When I pitched MIXD Reality, I gave it my all. I showcased our vision, the impact we are making, and why AR technology can revolutionize accessibility in education. Finishing as runner-up could have felt like a failure—but it didn’t. Because the true win wasn’t the title; it was the experience.
Too often, we let fear of failure hold us back. We hesitate to put ourselves forward, to take risks, to show up. But here’s the truth: there is no success without setbacks. Every time we step onto a stage, into a pitch, or out of our comfort zone, we grow. And growth is the real prize.
Lessons for Every Entrepreneur
Tell your story. People connect with passion and purpose, not just products.
Speak from the heart. Authenticity resonates far more than perfection.
Build connections. Business is about people first—always.
Embrace failure. Every loss is a lesson, and every setback sets you up for a comeback.
Moving Forward
As I left Naidex, I felt energized, inspired, and more committed than ever to my mission. The work we do at MIXD Reality and Just Like Me Books is bigger than business—it’s about changing lives. And as long as I continue to speak from the heart, build meaningful connections, and embrace every challenge as an opportunity, I know we will make an impact.
So to anyone reading this: go for it. Tell your story. Take the risk. Show up. Because even when you don’t ‘win’ in the traditional sense, you’re still moving forward. And that is what truly matters.
Pamela Aculey
Happy True You!
Well Hellooooooooo 2020! Happy New Year!
If you are feeling motivated, energized, excited and focused for the year ahead - GO YOU!!!!
If you are feeling demotivated, overwhelmed and a bit discombobulated then take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone and are amongst thousands of others who feel the same. – and that’s OK.
For some (myself included) a new year brings with it a host of new and old emotions.
The pressure to perform 'one’s best', the pressure to conform 'like the rest' and a new year which entitles you to a 'clean slate' where you erase the 'failings' of the previous year and relish in those
'New Year, New You' vibes. Is It any wonder that many of us are scared with the weight of expectation?
Whilst new year’s resolutions work for some, they most definitely do not work for me. In the past, I've always set them from a place of frustration e.g. 'I must lose weight this year'. Because we all know that your worth is attached to how much you weigh right? And once you lose weight you automatically enter this new realm where you become more attractive, sexier, more confident with a sense of humour which is off the chart. And that job or promotion you desperately wanted at work? Well now you've dropped 10lbs you can safely say “it's in the bag”! OK, I am being sarcastic and slightly facetious now – but we all know our self-worth is not based on a number, your job, salary, social media following, age, appearance, opinion of others, number of friends you have, relationship status. etc etc. The bottom line is your worth is entirely up to you. To be crystal clear I am not anti weight loss. You know your body better than anyone and should you need or want to lose weight to become healthier, happier and to improve the quality of your life then go forth and conquer (and I'm here cheering loudly for you every step of the way). Just make a promise not to short change yourself. Invest in the time to learn about nutrition, learn how to be more aware of what you put in your body and how it makes you feel. Speak to people qualified in the field or refer to reputable resources. But also be mindful that the topic of weight loss and nutrition can be a mind-field with a lot of bias and conflicting advice. Food is here for our survival and for us to enjoy. It's not about placing restrictions on ourselves. It's not about feeling hungry or deprived. It's about nourishing our bodies with real wholesome food so that you are constantly satisfied and energized to live life to the fullest. The most important a weight you need to shed is the one parked heavily on your shoulders screaming 'I'm not good enough'. Look within (such an 'airy, fairy saying but it's true!) and trust that you are enough. And if you are not quite there yet, don't panic. Start making yourself and your mental health a priority. Treat yourself with patience, compassion and kindness and over time you will start to build those blocks of self-esteem which will eventually become your self made fortress of confidence and resilience.
If I offered you £10 would you take it? How about if I crumpled it up? Stepped on it? You would probably take it even though it was crumpled and stepped on it. Do you know why?
Because it is still £10, and its worth has not changed.
The same goes for you; if you have a bad day, or if something bad happens to you, you are not worthless. If someone crumples you up or steps on you, your worth does not change. You are still just as valuable as you were before.
This year I would like to get to know more people. Whether that be it on a friendship or professional level. And I don't just mean through social media. I want to physically connect and meet new people, hear new stories and create new relationships. I going to take this year to really get to know myself. To unapologetically stay TRUE to me. Ralph Waldo Emerson put it best:
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment”
Let's face it; pretending to be someone you're not is one of the most disturbing experiences in the world. In a world that is constantly sending us both subliminal and blatant messages about how we should look, what we should think, how we should feel – it takes courage to grow and become exactly who you’ve always wanted to be. For me, it's all about taking responsibility of my own happiness. Think about this question: are other people responsible for making you happy, or are you responsible of your happiness? When we aren't being true to ourselves we tend to let others (or fate) take hold of our lives. Don't be a bystander: take your life by the horns and reclaim the reigns. No one is responsible for your life but you. No one is responsible for making you feel fulfilled but you!
“Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself” - Richard Bach
But also don't forget to laugh and be playful. Laughter is a great medicine. When you stop taking yourself so seriously, you can enjoy the dance of life just as it is. So don't forget to enjoy the ride. Because nobody knows when it will be our time to get off.
Whatever your personal goals, resolutions or aspirations are for 2020, I wish you all a healthy, fun and most of all a happy True you!
Much love
Pam xx
The Problem Isn’t Your Body, The Problem is what you think of it… And what you think of yourself.
Ohhhhhhhhhh Kaayyyyyy. It’s mid-November so how many of you have been bombarded with the “Little black dress diet”, “lose a stone before Christmas” “Crash Christmas diet” or “Beat the Christmas Bulge”? Yawn, this list goes on….
Every time I scroll through my social media feed, I feel like these types of messages are being rammed down my throat. You know, the ones with the standard before and after picture where Jayne from Gloucester is looking sad and desperate in her before picture – but then looking happy, vibrant and noticeably slimmer in her after pic! BTW, I’m using the name, for example purposes only (all the Jayne’s from Gloucester please don’t come after me!). My point is that we are constantly fed these lies of “you are not good enough”, whether that’s through subtle messaging or in your face advertisements. There tend to be key points throughout the year where the diet industry capitalizes on our vulnerability.
‘New Year, New You’ (start of the year) ‘Get Your Summer Beach Body’ (middle of the year) and ‘Little black dress diet’ (end of the year). So, when you look at it, you are not really ever left alone from the constant barrage of weight and body image propaganda.
It doesn’t matter how they try to target you or what glittery and positive jargon they use, the message is clear, and it reads like this:
ALL THOSE INSECURITIES YOU HAVE ABOUT YOURSELF ARE TRUE AND IF YOU DON’T DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT YOU WILL FOREVER BE LIVING IN AN EMOTIONAL PIT OF MISERY. BUT DON’T PANIC, WE HAVE THE SOLUTION BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF, SO LOSE WEIGHT, CHANGE YOUR EXTERNAL APPEARANCE BECAUSE ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE WORTHY OF LOVE AND VALIDATION.
Now, let’s get something straight. If you want to lose weight, if you need to lose weight there is absolutely nothing wrong with this and you should never feel ashamed for doing anything that ensures your happiness and improves your health and quality of your life. Your life, your rules, right?
Being body positive doesn’t mean you are against losing weight any more than does being a feminist imply you hate men. I am 36 years old and have been various weights and sizes over the years. There wasn’t anything wrong my body at any size. But there was a lot wrong with the messages which tried to convince me otherwise.
I once ran a diet and fitness club (**shudders**)where every week members would attend my class, hop onto the scales, I would tell them whether they had gained or lost weight, the biggest “loser” would receive a lovely handwritten certificate and then we would finish with a 45 minute workout. There are thousands of weight loss clubs around the world who follow a similar format and I am not knocking any of them. But this is what I learnt and fundamentally the reasons for why I stopped my diet business. My members lost weight; many of them an incredible amount and once they reached their goal they then left. But within a few short months of leaving the weight had crept back on, faster than they had lost it and before you could say ‘jam tart’ they were back with me on their weight loss journey – and so the cycle begins. I met some amazing people and some I now consider close friends. My members trusted me to give them the best nutritional advice, motivational exercise and lots of support and encouragement. For many, coming to my class was a chance to escape the pressures of life, work, relationships and the rest. Some members were going through bereavements, some stressed with work, some in toxic relationships. You see, it goes deeper than just food and exercise. I was dealing with predominantly women who had a history of self-loathing and yoyo- dieting. Asking someone to step on the scales every week is not going to rebuild the negative relationship between them and their body. It’s dealing with the underlying issues e.g. stress, lack of confidence, anxiety, low self-esteem etc which you need to tackle first.
Think about this example….
You keep getting really bad stomach pain. You are fed up because for months you’ve had this pain frequently. You get a doctor’s appointment, explain the symptoms to your GP who then gives you some tablets for the stomach pain. You start to feel relieved and satisfied. Unfortunately, the next month the same stomach pain returns, and you are back at the doctors for another prescription for the pain. This is a classic example of a case where you thought you were focusing and taking action on the true cause of the problem (seeking help to relieve the stomach pain), but instead your GP ended up just fixing the symptoms (prescribing medication for the pain). Since only the symptoms were fixed the root cause of the problem was never diagnosed and therefore still exists. Should the doctor have done a further investigation that could have revealed that the stomach pain was caused by an allergy, intolerance, stress for example. But since the proper cause was never investigated, you are now going around in circles, wasting your time and stressing yourself out about what is really causing your stomach pain. Basically, what I am trying to say is that if we focus on just fixing the symptoms you won’t find the cause. Finding the root cause requires courage, patience and persistence. It’s not easy and may mean that you feel incredibly vulnerable in doing so – but it is the only true way of fixing the problems you are facing for good.
I have never had a good relationship with scales. You’ve probably heard the phrase ‘Scales belong on fish’? True! I also believe scales belong on a bonfire but that’s really not environmentally friendly, so we’ll stick with the fish saying. For years my mornings looked something like this:
Step (tentatively) onto the bathroom scales - Post wake up wee of course. Also, why are the majority of scales hidden in the bathroom? Is it because we associate weight with feelings of privacy and shame?
With one eye open and holding my breath, I would cross my fingers and pray that the number I see before me would be lower than the one I had seen the day before. If it was, I would be on top of the world and go through that day with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I would work harder at university/work and I would make wiser food choices throughout the day.
Now if that number was the same or heavens forbid HIGHER, then after moving the scale around to different areas of the bathroom floor, I would instantly feel like a low and upset and probably eat a few chocolate bars that day to cushion the blow of feeling like a complete failure!!
It’s amazing how a set of scales can dictate your mood and the choices you make.
We’ve made the scale our symbol of authority, of worth, of truth. If we’ve been "bad", there’s no denying it because it shows up on the scale. If we’ve been "good", getting on the scale will be its own reward. The scale has become like God—it knows all.
A scale, however, is just a scale—a cold, lifeless piece of metal—until we give it its power. We make it into the instrument that tells us if we should like ourselves today or not. And we do that by accepting societal beliefs about the goodness and the rightness of being at a lower rather than a higher weight and also by continuing to weigh ourselves day after day.
Your weight does not define who you are as a person. People do not go around saying “hey you there, yes 150lb you or hi 230lb person, how are you?
No. They say, “Hey Pam!”, “I’ve missed you John”, “How’s your day been Alex?
We are people, not numbers.
People are not aware of our weight fluctuations, nor are they judging us for the number that shows up on the scale. So, stop judging yourself.
If a person is doing this, they are obviously not someone you want as a part of your life.
Do not give the scale power over your life.
Do not let it define your self-worth.
Remember, you are so much more than a number.
We seem to put more trust into corporations, social media influencers, wellness and health guru’s, even our own friends and family then we do in ourselves. And that’s not surprising as there is so much misleading nutrition advice and hundreds of diets out there all promising the same. Weight loss and happier you. So, with all these different diets how do you know which is right for you? I don’t have all the answers as what works for one person may not suitable for you. But what I do know is we have complicated food and eating so much that we don’t actually know what ‘healthy living’ is. Healthy living isn’t about being 100% on point or else you’ve failed. There will be times your weight goes up and times your weight goes down. And the same applies to your energy levels. Some weeks it will all about the green salads, avocado on toast and spin classes. Other weeks you may want more ice cream, pizza and rest days. That’s life and that’s
OK!
I know it’s hard and I know it’s scary but ultimately is your happiness not worth taking that leap of faith? Shouldn’t we be listening to our own body and not the toxic messages which were constantly being exposed to? There is an entire industry that is banking on you to hate yourself as much as possible. Self-hate = Cha-Ching! The diet industry pushes campaigns about how you need to change in order to be good enough. They tell you that if you just lose X pounds, THEN you’ll finally be loveable.
Newsflash: You’ve always be loveable, desirable, intelligent and beautiful – remember that.
Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street
Take a moment to really think about this:
We watch nature programmes where we are introduced to marvellous creatures of this earth. Different species, some big, some small, some fast, some slow. Some a vision of beauty, others mysterious and quirky. Regardless of their aesthetic qualities they each have a purpose and play a vital role in the world we live in.
DIVERSITY is what makes them fascinating.
At a young age we learn about dinosaurs and how they once ruled the earth. We learn about their strengths, their weaknesses and celebrate them both. Our second son Stanley is obsessed with dinosaurs and already at the grand age of 2 ½ he can name and identify well over twenty types of dinosaurs. He loves that they come in different colours, shape and sizes. In his eyes the more different types there are the BETTER.
DIVERSITY is what makes them fascinating.
You walk into a florist to be captivated by the different scents and colours of each type of flower. Personally, my favourite flower is the sunflower. Think about what your favourite flower is. Now imagine if your favourite flower was the only type of flower to ever exist. I’m pretty sure I would soon get bored if in my case all I was seeing every day were sunflowers as it would lose its beauty and uniqueness. Each flower has its own significance and beauty. A lot of different flowers make a bouquet.
DIVERSITY is what makes them fascinating.
Today there are over 400 recognized breeds of dogs in the world. One of the reasons dogs have been such a successful species is because they are so adaptable. It’s no accident that we have dogs that are able to hunt, herd, guard, track, perform tricks and do so many other things at an expert level. Us humans figured out early on that if you bred dogs that were good at these things, you would get offspring that were also good at doing them. Imagine if there were only two or three types of dogs in the world? All of these jobs performed by dogs were necessary for our own species to survive. It’s no secret that we owe a lot to dogs just as we do to other animals.
DIVERSITY is what makes them fascinating.
So why is it that when it comes to animals, flowers, dinosaurs, even food that we easily celebrate and embrace their differences. But when It comes to humans it is differences which can divide us rather than unite us?
This week is anti-bullying week. But let’s be real – EVERYDAY should be Anti-Bullying. I was bullied when I was at school and also as an adult in a particular job. So why do people bully others? My sleeves are rolled up, my sassy pants are on and I’m about to go in. Ready?
In a nutshell, if you bully someone, you are a TWAT! The end.
Ok so maybe that is a little too short and (not so) sweet.
I just can’t understand why anyone in their right frame of mind would a) think it’s ok to bully another person and b) take pleasure in doing so. One thing I do know is that those who bully others are looking to gain a feeling of Power, Purpose and Control over you. The easiest way of doing this is to focus on something that is unique and different about you – either preying on or creating a new insecurity with an intent to hurt you either physically or emotionally. What happens is we as the people experiencing bullying, start to internalise it, we become self-critical and doubt starts to feed our mind. We want to understand the reasons why we are being targeted and we start to blame ourselves. We then try to mask or change that unique quality or characteristic in order to avoid the bully. We lose weight, gain weight, we change our hair, change our fashion choice, buy a flashier car - the list goes on. We change anything we can on the outside to hide the pain we are feeling on the inside. And by doing so it starts to affect our behaviour and the ways in which we see ourselves, which can go on to impact both mental and physical health.
For years researchers have been studying the mind of a bully and what they have discovered is that there is much more to bullying than meets the eye. For instance, many people once believed that bullying only consisted of physical bullying and name-calling. But when it comes to bullying there are actually several types of bullying.
Physical Bullying – The most obvious form of bullying and occurs when the bully uses physical actions to gain power and control over their targets
Verbal Bullying - Perpetrators of verbal bullying use words, statements, and name-calling to gain power and control over a target.
Relational Bullying – A sneaky and insidious type of bullying. Relational bullies often ostracize others from a group, spread rumours, manipulate situations and breaks confidences.
Cyberbullying – online bullying such as posting hurtful images, making online threats and sending hurtful emails or texts.
Sexual Bullying – consists of repeated, harmful, and humiliating actions that target a person sexually. Examples include sexual name-calling, crude comments, vulgar gestures, uninvited touching, sexual propositioning, and pornographic materials.
Prejudicial Bullying - Is based on prejudices tweens and teens have toward people of different races, religions, or sexual orientation.
The effects of bullying can be devasting, as they often continue long into adulthood and drive countless children into depression or self-harm. Some will even attempt or commit suicide. So, what can we do about it?
I honestly believe there needs to be a complete shift. A shift in the way we think about ourselves, each other and society as a whole. We have an opportunity to change the culture of bullying among young people and I think the answer begins with those who live, work and “influence” young people every day. Basically, that’s each and every one of us. Overcomplicated programs and policies are just not going to cut it. It’s the consistent messages we put out there, the daily and nurturing acts of kindness and reaching out to both children who bully and those at the receiving end of cruelty that will bring meaningful and lasting change.
We have to create a much more inclusive and positive school culture. Champion diversity, inclusiveness and acceptance and take action to ensure students learn about empathy and cooperation. It involves social and emotional learning and creating honest and open communication among staff, students and the community.
I don’t have all the answers but one thing for certain is that if you are being bullied or suffering from low self-esteem it’s time to reclaim back your Power, Purpose and Control.
The problem isn’t YOU,
The problem is what you think of yourself
Growing up my favourite TV program was Sesame Street. Here is a little fact for you. My middle name is Ghanaian and is pronounced the same as Sesame but is written “Sesime”. So, from an early age I instantly felt connected and loved every aspect of this show. I wanted to move and live at Sesame Street. This year Sesame Street celebrates 50 years of education, humour, diversity and inclusion. You were instantly introduced to children of different skin colours all playing together. Diversity and inclusion were baked into that show which openly and honestly dealt with the reality of what was going on with the children of today. We can learn a lot from Sesame Street!
There is so much pressure to live up to beauty, fitness and unrealistic standards. We are taught to compare ourselves to others instead of embracing our own beauty. It’s easy to follow the herd. It’s a lot more difficult to strike out on your own and truly be yourself. But being yourself is perhaps the greatest gift you can give to the world. To be yourself you have to accept who you are, as you are. When you find value in yourself, your whole world changes. Plain and simple – you cannot allow other people to hold more power in your life than you hold yourself. It takes time, it takes effort, it takes commitment. But believe me, it is so worth it.
“if all our fingers have the same length and width, our hands would be less attractive, less functional, nor could we harness the hands’ fullest strength. Similarly, if all people share the same racial characteristics, hold the same beliefs, the world would certainly not be an interesting place." – Binh Le
If you are being bullied, don’t keep it to yourself. Tell someone you trust and do it TODAY!
If you need help or advice about bullying:
Under 18 Childline 0800 11 11
Over 18 Samaritans 116 123
Parents/Carers Family Lives 0808 800 2222
Thanks for reading
Much Love
Pam x
Autism and It’s Positives
Last week I had the absolute pleasure of visiting Walter's old nursery where I read my new book 'Buster Finds His Beat' to the pre-school children. They were an absolute joy, super cute, totally engaged and I loved every moment of it. After it got me thinking about Walters time here and how important it is that all children feel included.
If you are a mother or a father, you know that nothing quite prepares you for parenthood. You are suddenly handed your baby and instantly you enter this new, bizarre, exciting yet terrifying world of the unknown. Maybe like me, you thought you would be a carefree zen-like mother. Or maybe you would be more of a firm but fair parent, with a child who sleeps through the night and enjoys organic broccoli and quinoa. Who knows? One thing parenthood has taught me is that life is unpredictable. There are no perfect parents, there are no perfect children and we are all doing our very best.
In 2017 my son Walter was diagnosed with ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder). His diagnosis turned everything I thought about ‘parenting’ on its head. Instead of trips to the zoo, theatre, museums or even ‘play dates’ with other children, we were thrown into a world of speech and language therapy, meetings with health professionals, doctor and paediatric appointments, packed schedules, and the most challenging aspect of it all - dealing with the uncertainty. This was not the path I had envisioned and for a very long time I felt like I mourned for the son I never had and then felt massive waves of guilt for wanting to ‘change’ the beautiful son I did have. Nothing prepares you for the moment that your child receives an autism spectrum diagnosis. Any parent who has been in this situation will tell you the nature of the diagnosis and uncertainty of the future is crippling. I was hit hard by both the mental-emotional stress. I had spent years thinking about parenthood, dreaming and preparing for the future – and now I felt that hope and excitement had been snatched away from Walter and replaced with a big fat question mark.
Before Walter I knew very little, if anything, at all about Autism – which lead me to have the same misconceptions that many others have. I didn’t know what the future installed, I didn’t know about the obstacles, judgement and discrimination we would face, but I knew I LOVE my son. He needed help and I needed to learn how to help him.
Autism is a lifelong, developmental disability that affects how a person communicates with and relates to other people, and how they experience the world around them.
Now originally this blog was going to be about the hard parts of Autism. I’m talking about the meltdowns, the judgment from people, the potential barriers when trying to get a diagnosis, the isolation, guilt and loneliness etc. All of which are incredibly important issues and ones which I will talk openly and honestly in upcoming blogs. But today I want to dedicate it to all the GOOD things about Autism because for too long Autism has been seen as being the worst thing that your child could have. Autism is often defined and described in terms of deficits and I am sure this happens in order to determine what support is needed, but always talking about what a person can’t do or do as well as their peers can be demoralizing. Just because improvements can be small and difficult to see it doesn’t mean they should not be celebrated. Imagine if someone only described you as the things you couldn’t do? Imagine what that would do to your self-esteem and well-being? Thinking about autism in more favourable terms will change your thinking and responses towards someone with autism.
So, today is all about the positives of ASD and here are mine:
1. A Strong Bond
There are many positive things that come from having a child with autism. For one, you are undoubtedly the most important person in your child’s life and the bond you have is very strong. Whilst raising a child with Autism can bring stress on a family it’s important to note that it can also bring the family closer. Walter has two younger brothers; Stanley (two and a half) and Hugo who is 9 months old. Stanley is already showing signs of compassion and understanding of the differences in others because of his experiences he shares with Walter.
2. Exceptional Memories
Walter has an exceptional memory and can remember information he saw or read weeks, months or even years ago. He’s a visual learner and detailed focused. For example, Walter will tell you what book he was reading on the way to IKEA back in 2017. Or a common one in our household is if you should accidentally put the kettle and toaster plugs into different sockets; to me, the toaster and kettle plugs look identical as they are both black, the same size and are even made by the same company. But Walter knows the order of which they go and will quickly tell you should you mess this up!
3. A different world view
I often look at Walter and think he’s in his own little world. Sometimes I’m fascinated as he sits there in a deep focus whilst other times, I feel frustrated as he won’t or can’t let me into his bubble. Walter can become so fixated on an object, sound or activity to the point that he will do it repeatedly. Some call these obsessions whilst I like to think of them as his special interests. I think if you can harness and nurture these interests it can be a lifeline to learning, earning an income and in the right environment, people with autism can make a great contribution to society.
4. Creativity
As parents of a child with ASD, one of our biggest challenges was figuring out what would spark Walter’s interest. He didn’t gravitate towards toys or other children was completely non-verbal until the age of four. We needed to find common ground with him to establish a close bond while also building the foundations for learning. Although his communication was limited, Walter clearly enjoyed nursery rhymes and singing. We sang to him all the time. To this day we still sing to him at every given opportunity. Over the years we’ve made up a right collection of songs which Walter finds very comical. We use song to also ease Walter’s anxiety for example; he’s really sensitive to the sound and feel of rain so whenever it rains you better believe we’ll be singing.
5. Visual Skills
While many children grow attached to a stuffed animal or a blanket, Walter fell hard for words and books. Supermarket displays, road signs, vehicle registrations, books of any nature are all his favourite things. 90% of pictures of Walter from the age of around 1-4 are of him with a book in his hand. Words and the alphabet, in particular, opened the door for more play and learning opportunities and as his interests grow, I continue to pay attention to what makes him tick so that I can support his learning.
6. Honesty
We all claim to value the truth, but almost all of us tell little white lies. Walter will always tell you the truth (unless he doesn’t quite understand what you are asking him) – whether it’s positive or negative. A person with autism will accurately reflect their feelings and respond with complete frankness when asked their opinion. Walter can be very matter of fact at times and honestly (pun intended) it’s actually really refreshing.
7. Passionate
There is a persistent stereotype that people with autism are individuals who lack empathy and are void of emotion. It’s true that many people with autism don’t show emotion in ways that people without the condition would recognize. But the notion that people with autism generally lack empathy and cannot recognize feelings is wrong. Walter is such a loving boy who is truly passionate about certain things and people in his life. He will spend the time, energy, and imagination necessary to truly master an area of interest. Even when it’s difficult or frustrating.
8. Friendships
I have met some of the most inspirational and supportive friends from the autism community. I have connected with wonderful people and have a lifelong bond with a group of people who understand what we as a family are going through.
Thinking about the positive aspects of autism can break stereotypes, open doors to new opportunities, make the community more inclusive, and change how we support people with autism at home, school, and in the community. So let’s all celebrate and embrace a different way of thinking. If all you see is Autism, you will miss out on the loving, kind, creative, honest and inspiring individual. Autism: Different Not Less.
Invest In Yourself (you can afford it, trust me)
We all have stories which conjure up feelings of sadness, guilt, regret and possibly even shame. Those memories which you lock away because they are just too painful to relive. Today, I want to share a story with you. A story which I’ve only ever told to my husband (and my therapist). I want to share this with you because by blogging about it I am having to face a lot of feelings which I have suppressed for a very long time. Also, we are constantly comparing our behind the scenes to someone else’s highlight reel. Effortlessly scrolling through your feed can make you feel like everyone else is happy, successful and living their “best life”. But what you see isn’t always the truth – it’s not even close.
Ten years ago, I worked as an Investment Banker in London and then worked in Birmingham. I had never shown any interest in investment banking or the financial world. I mean, I liked spending money but show me a 25-year-old who doesn’t! So, when I left my comfortable marketing job in Birmingham to become an Investment Banker you could imagine my friends and family’s surprise. So why did I apply for the role? Basically, the Money! I know, I know – awful right? I was hypnotized by the pound signs, romanticised by lifestyle and ridiculous extra incentives such as the banker’s bonuses. I had been conditioned to base my self-worth on how others saw me and not how I saw myself. The young Pam believed that money, status, location, friendships, relationships all equated to success. Spoiler alert, I was wrong.
The interview process was really tough and rightly so. It’s a big job which came with big responsibilities. I must have made a good impression as they offered me the job. I was soon to become an FX Trader – Foreign Exchange and Money Market Dealer. The role meant a temporary move to London. The company would pay for me to stay in a hotel for 3 months whilst I started my training and studied for my exams. The plan after that was to then move back to Birmingham and work in the offices there. It didn’t quite happen that way though. I did move to London and the bank did indeed pay for my accommodation, for 12 whole months!! I stayed in a beautiful hotel called the Sunborn Yacht Hotel, which is a superyacht in the Docklands overlooking the river Thames.
Now on paper that all sounds pretty swanky. Living in a beautiful hotel, with amazing views of London, eating gorgeous food and having a spotless room to come home to every night. The reality was that this beautiful yacht quickly felt like a prison. I didn’t really have any friends. Probably because I was very self-conscious and not open enough to make anyone. There were some genuinely lovely people, but I always felt inferior and ‘thick’ compared to them. I was at work from 7am and often didn’t leave until 7pm. I spent my working day with my tail between my legs and steam coming out of my arse. I was suddenly thrown into an environment where I instantly felt like a fraud. I never felt good enough or ambitious enough. I was constantly on edge, (a) because of the stressful and pressurized environment and (b) I feared that they would soon realize that I was not as clever as everyone else. So, what did I do? I worked; I worked my bloody socks off. If I wasn’t working on the trading floor I was studying for exams and if wasn’t studying, then my nose was in the Financial Times. I had a severe case of imposter syndrome and the only way I knew how to deal with that was to work every hour I could. I convinced myself that sleep was for the weak, so I hardly slept. I lived off caffeine, sugar and alcohol - all which I consumed excessively. When my sister and cousins who lived in London would ring to arrange a night out, I would always make my excuses; “I have too much work on”, or “I’m studying for exams” or “I’m sick”. They were excuses but they were also the truth. I developed a high level of anxiety which meant I also spent my weekends in my room. I wouldn’t talk or interact with anyone – I lived in my luxury ‘prison’. An incredibly lonely experience.
There are 45 floors in the HSBC Building. I can’t even remember what floor I was on, but I do remember the speed of the lifts - It’s insane and probably a daredevil’s dream. But for someone like myself who is not a fan of lifts, hates heights and confined spaces – this was a perfect recipe for a panic attack. I had my first panic attack in the lift, during morning rush hour, amongst 20 other businessmen and women. Not one person helped me. Whether they just didn’t realize (which I find it hard to believe as I was sweating like a pig and gasping for air) or they were just too engrossed in their own lives is neither here nor there. What is important is that this was the first time I felt invisible, unworthy and pathetic. I would now suffer between 4 and 5 panic attacks a week and they were getting worse each time. So, what did I do about it? Absolutely nothing. I convinced myself that by telling my manager the truth I would be seen as being weak or not a ‘team player’. If I told my family, they would worry about my mental health and I couldn’t deal with the guilt. If I told my friends back home, they wouldn’t understand especially as many of them were struggling to find work. How could I possibly complain?
Each day I would start and finish the day emotionally exhausted. It got so bad that when I woke up in the morning, I would pray for a natural disaster to occur (of course with no injuries or loss of life) but that bad enough that would not be able to get to work for at least a week. I was miserable, desperate and depressed. But, if anyone should ask me how my job was going without pause, without hesitation I would say ‘Great Thanks’. So not only was I miserable, desperate and depressed I could now add liar to the list.
Everything was a lie, and everything was a struggle. I felt like a failure and I felt as if I was letting everyone down. My darkest moment was waiting for the tube, looking at the train tracks and thinking ‘I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die either’, I just didn’t want to exist.
My only solace was my 60-minute walk which I use to take in my lunch hour. It was a chance to breathe and a chance to escape. I would take the same walking route every day because If I didn’t my anxiety would convince me that something bad would happen and I just couldn’t take that risk. My route took through the hustle and bustle of Canary Wharf and at first, I noticed nothing but over time I noticed everything. The buskers playing at the station, the smell of the food from the restaurants and outdoor markets even the fumes of the good old red buses. One day I was so distracted, took a different route and found myself outside a fitness studio. This, my friends, is the moment my life changed. I saw this fitness class being taught and I was mesmerised. Every single person in that class looked like they were having the best time ever. Smiling through the sweat whilst pushing themselves to the max. The instructor looked friendly, confident, happy, full of life and excitement. The music was blasting and although I was on the outside, I felt their energy and it was euphoric.
I must have looked like such a creep but for months every day on my lunch, I would go to this studio and look through the window. The instructor saw my little desperate facing peering through the window and one day she looked at me, smiled, waved and told me to come in. And like some kind of trance-like state, I did. I watched the last 5 minutes of the class and after the instructor asked if I would like to give the class a try. Of course, I made my excuses (because remember I was really good at that) and I wish I could give you this fairy-tale ending where I took the class and regained my self-worth and confidence. Sadly not. But what I will say is that this is a memory I will never forget. It was this simple act of kindness which changed the course of my life. For the first time in forever I felt validated, I felt connected, I felt important and I felt seen. I would have traded (no pun intended) all of my material possessions and money in exchange of 10 minutes of that class. The worst thing about anxiety and depression is the constant battle you have with yourself – you just feel stuck and emotionally drowning. But for the first time in months, I had seen hope. And that is something no amount of money can buy.
Fast forward a couple of years I was now working in the Birmingham offices. Things were a little better, but I was still struggling. My anxiety and depression were severe and my way of dealing (or not dealing with it) was to mask what was going on internally with a fabricated external lifestyle. I drank too much, self-loathing had become a daily ritual and I made some horrendous lifestyle and relationship choices.
One day I walked into my office, turned my computer on, sat down, turned my computer off, got up and walked out the building. I never returned back to my job as an Investment Banker. We all have our breaking point and that was mine. I can’t tell you where I went or what I did as the rest of the story is a big blur. What I will tell you is that I had barely been surviving for years - now It was time to start living.
I went to see my GP who (shock horror) diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. He prescribed me medication which I was reluctant and a total snob to take. Let me tell you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking prescribed medication to help you and stabilize your moods. If it’s socially acceptable to pop paracetamol for a headache then it’s more than ok to take medication for your mental health. Ditch the embarrassment, ditch the shame, ditch the stigma.
I’m going to wrap this up because I’m conscious it’s been a tad ‘gloomy’ up into this point and I want to get to the happy ending part. To get out the house (as I had now become a bit of a hermit) I started setting myself daily challenges. E.g. Walk for 10 minutes, then 15 minutes, then 30 minutes. After months of debating what my next step would be all I could think about was about that fitness class, that instructor and that feeling. So, I took my first leap of faith and trained to be a group exercise Instructor. January 2020 will be ten years since I taught my first fitness class. I love teaching and I hope to continue to do so for many more years. Members always ask me where I get my energy from? I get it from knowing how lucky I am to be in a job that I wholeheartedly love. That instructor saved my life and now I’m just paying it forward. I get to laugh in my class, I get to meet people from all walks of life, I get to share experiences and create new memories.
I guess It goes back to that famous quote by Maya Angelou:
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel’.
I hold that quote so dearly because I want to make people feel as good as that kind instructor made me feel. This whole experience has taught me that life will be tough, mistakes will be made, failures will be plentiful, and feelings of defeat will be common. But when these things happen, do not give in. Do not give up! Stand up for what you believe in – Yourself! Dust yourself off and keep going. Sometimes those with the worst pasts end up creating the best futures. So, don’t be afraid to share the hardest parts of your story with others. Your journey might end up being the map another person needs to see a way through their struggles. Life is short, so live it. Anger and regret are consuming, so dump it. Fear is awful so face it and face it hard.
Tupperware and Mental Care
World Mental Health Day was 10th October.
My husband Alex recently asked me what it was like to struggle with Depression and Anxiety. At the time I really couldn't put into words what it was like. But one morning when I was in the kitchen, I opened 'that cupboard' (you know the one which you just shove all your rubbish and Tupperware in there?) And it suddenly dawned on me that my mental health issues are like our Tupperware cupboard! (Stay with me). We have around 187 square Tupperware boxes with circular lids? Tupperware has it's uses but if you don't have the correct lid it's pointless right? If you don't take the time to sort out 'that cupboard' and get rid of the things that don't serve your need then you just add to the chaos, right? If you continue to buy more Tupperware and stack it onto of your existing boxes everything becomes jumbled, mismatched and you end up filling a space which could be used in a much more productive way. On the outside, it looks like a ‘normal’ everyday kitchen cupboard but inside shows a completely different picture.
Anxiety and Depression mean different things to different people. My first proper episode of depression and anxiety struck when I started university. And my worst depression came around 3 years later whilst working as an Investment Banker. But more about this in a future blog. My depression keeps me in the past and my anxiety focuses me on the future and I completely forget to live in the now. It’s two contradicting energies that seem to work both with and against each other.
But over time I'm learning. I'm learning not to let my Yesterday take up to too much of my Today. I'm learning that some days you have to say 'F**K It!' I did what I could today. Life is too short to be angry with yourself for being human. I'm learning that sometimes you have to breakdown before you can break through and sometimes you have to get lost before you can find your way back to yourself. I'm learning that the older I get the more I realise that everyone is doing their very best and your best is good enough.
According to the World Health Organisation, 1 in 4 people will experience mental health problems at some point in their lives. That’s one-quarter of the world’s population. So let’s be clear ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - There is absolutely no shame in what you are going through. We’re not ashamed when our bodies get sick, so why should we be ashamed when our minds aren’t in top form? We should be looking after our mental health in the same way we look after our physical health. Depression is not selfish. Anxiety is not weird. Eating Disorders and Self- Harming is not attention-seeking. Mental illness isn’t self-centred, any more than a broken leg or the flu is self-centred. If your mental illness makes you feel guilty, review the definition of “illness” and try to treat yourself with the same respect, compassion and concern you would show to someone who had pneumonia or any other illness. Whether your pain is physical or mental it’s still pain, you are still hurting, and those feelings are valid.
If you are reading this and thinking “but I have no reason to be depressed, I have a good job, a loving family, we’re financially stable and live a really comfortable life” …Let me tell you this now (and I’ll say it louder for those at the back) It’s not about what you have. Mental Health problems is an illness and it doesn’t care who it gets. Because there is no normal – our minds are complex things and no single brain is the same.
Remember, "your best" doesn't mean pushing yourself to breaking point. "Your best" means the best you can do while being the best you. Get enough sleep, give yourself breaks, listen to your limits. Your best is when you're happy and healthy.
Remember, you are not your Depression, or your Disability, or your Anxiety, or your OCD or your Eating Disorder. You are your strengths and the things you are passionate about. You are your smile, your laugh and the way you make people feel.
It can be incredibly lonely and isolating when you are suffering with mental health problems. So, let’s all do our best to be kinder to ourselves and each other. Someone you know may be laughing and smiling on the outside, but internally they are hurting and are in the thick of a storm. So, let’s all ride that storm together with support, love and kindness. When that sad voice starts to get loud and your shoulder’s feel heavy talk about it, write it down, call a friend or call a helpline. And trust that things will get better, there is always light after darkness and you will breathe easy again.
For help, support and more information on mental health please have a look at the following links below:
https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/
IS IT A REALLY BAD THING TO BE IN YOUR COMFORT ZONE?
A couple of weeks ago I went on BBC Radio Leicester to promote my ‘Just Like Me’ books and to also talk about the lack of diversity in children’s literature and why it’s important that children of all ethnicities, special needs and abilities find themselves in the pages of a book.
Now, I am not going to lie and say I walked in there super confident, because I didn’t. I’m also not going to say that I didn’t have a few sleepless nights prior to this, as the dark circles and bags under my eyes would depict differently. But on reflection, although I was incredibly nervous, I was most definitely in my comfort zone. And despite what a lot of the self-help guru’s out there say, I honestly don’t think being in your comfort zone is such bad idea. But before you gasp allow me to explain why.
I’m sure you’ve all seen and read quotes about how “growth starts where your comfort zone ends” or “If you are still in your comfort zone then you are still warming up” (CRINGE!, I’ve personally used this one in the past). I think the most popular one is that drawing of the little circle (your comfort zone) and the big circle (Where The MAGIC Happens).
I’m going to go against the grain here, but I personally love my comfort zone because to me that is where the real magic happens. My comfort zone consists of the things I’m passionate about, writing, family, fitness, food – all the things I love. And yes, to a certain degree you could say these things are my safety net. I can’t sing, so going to audition for the X-Factor would be out of my comfort zone and I would probably fail because of the obvious (I can’t hold a tune) and I am not passionate about becoming a singer. Therefore, I totally disagree with that drawing because that big circle allures you to believe that success is only achieved by leaving your “little” safety net.
Personally, I am more likely to take risks and explore opportunities when I am coming from a place of familiarity. I believe we should all push ourselves, move forward, grow as individuals and try new experiences – but we can do so by dipping our toes in the water. It doesn’t have to be this huge, phenomenal leap.
I think there is a difference between staying in your comfort zone and staying stagnant. If you are in your comfort zone and still moving forward and learning, then your zone expands, and you will reap the benefits of that expansion. But if there is no passion, no drive and you are stuck in a rut then of course you won’t see the results you are longing for. The root of stagnation is the Latin word for “standing water”. You don’t want to stand still; you want to cause a ripple but not necessarily a Tsunami.
So, being at the radio station, live on air stretched me but I was still in my comfort zone. Why? Because although the environment was alien to me, I was talking about something which I had experience in, I believe in and something I’m super passionate about. I was telling my story.
Bottom line is we all need comfort. It’s one of our basic needs as human beings. But we also need growth and therefore it is important to not stay there for too long. It’s important to keep moving forward every day, keep dipping your toe in the water, keep growing and learning from new experiences. That is where the real magic happens.